This seems like something I would have done my freshman year of high school... but I was just thinking about many qualities that I feel are absolutely necessary in a romantic partner. I guess if anyone knows any guys like this (preferably with dark hair, blue eyes, and a nice chiseled jawline, too)... send 'em my way!

Sense of humor. I'm not talking about someone who can appreciate a good joke (although, dur, that's important), I'm talking about someone who can TELL a good joke. Someone who is quick and witty, isn't afraid to tease people (or himself) for comedic effect. But he can't be out to GET a laugh, he should just say things that amuse him. People who try too hard to be funny are just irritating.

Intelligence. This is something that, for a while, I didn't even realize I valued in a romantic partner. But I am realizing that despite the differences in all of the guys I've dated, they've all been extremely smart. Of my serious boyfriends, they've all done very well in school. I don't think that you have to do well in school to be smart, (for instance, I didn't do great in school, and I still consider myself smart) but I think that good grades also show a good work ethic... which, however hypocritical of me to say it, is an important quality in a life partner as well. I am often irritated with people when ALL they want to do is have intellectual conversations (because sometimes you're just not in the mood to hear about the super-emo french novel your boyfriend is reading, bahaha) but I want someone who I can discuss everything with, down to my most elaborate feelings on religion and my tangled web of conspiracy theories leading me to believe the world is indeed ending in 2012.

Confidence. All people are attracted to confidence, but I take that to a whole new level. I don't just like guys who are confident... I like guys who are OBNOXIOUSLY confident. I love people who announce their best qualities and aren't afraid to admit that they think they're the shit. I like men who tell me that I'd be making a huge mistake to pass up the chance to hang out with them. I like guys who laugh at their own jokes and think they're god's gift to the world. Most people are irritated by things like that... but I have a different mentality. I think it all comes down to the fact that if a guy thinks he's something super special and he wants to be with me, he obviously thinks I'm something super special as well. Cocky dudes don't settle... and I don't want someone who thinks "this is the best I can do." I want someone who thinks, "I can DO the BEST, and this girl IS the best." Make sense?

Family Values. Maybe it's just as I mature, I am starting to look for a guy with more traditional values. I don't want a guy who wants a girl to go out and party and be crazy with. I want a guy who is looking for a life partner. Someone reliable. I want him to provide for me and protect me. I don't care that I have outdated values... but I think the man is the head of the household. I want a guy who will step up to that. I want him to be overly protective of me and feel like I belong to him. Not in a weird way... I just want him to know like, I am his to protect.

Appreciation of the Arts. He has to like music, literature, or something to that effect. I don't think I could ever have a healthy relationship with someone who didn't appreciate the arts. He doesn't have to be (in fact, I prefer him NOT to be) a musician, artist, writer, etc (because in my experience, those are the most whiney-bitch, emo dudes you will ever meet) but I want him to have an appreciation. I want him to love that I am a musician.


For now, those are the only things I think are absolutely necessary in any guy I will even consider dating. It's nice to have a sort of jumping off point when you're floating around in the dating pool. I can quickly write off losers, because I'm not interested in wasting my time. I know what I'm looking for.

I don't know why, but I felt compelled.



1. Your ex is on the side of the road, on fire. What do you do?
Which ex? Hahahah.

2.Your best friend tells you (s)he's pregnant. What is your reaction?
YESSSSSSSS. AUNT NIKKI!

3.When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
Frequently. The most recent realistic opportunity to do so... Friday.

4. Congratulations! You just had a son. What's his name?
Stephen

5. Congratulations! You just had a daughter. What's her name?
Eliza

6. What are you craving right now?
Sunny D

7. What was the last thing you cried about?
Hmm... I can't even remember. THAT'S SO GOOD. Oh, no, yes, I cried on Friday. About regretting missing my senior prom.

8. When you buy something and your change is a penny, do you keep it?
Sometimes. Mostly no.

9. What color is your tissue box?
Green

10. Is there a ceiling fan in your room & if so does it have dust on it?
Yes, and surprisingly it does not.

11. What is the last voice mail you received about?
I don't check my voicemail. EVER.

12. Scariest thing you've experienced in the last year?
Oh, lots of stuff. Lots of stuff for the books this year.

13.Have you ever had a garage sale?
Yep.

14. What is the last beverage you had?
Sunny D. But it was the last one. =[

15. Are you happy right now?
At this particular moment? Yes. In this stage of my life? It's debatable.

16. Who came over last?
My entire family.

17. Do you drink energy drinks?
No.

18. Have your brothers or sisters ever told you that you were adopted?
Hahaha. No.

19. Dark or light jeans?
Light. But not too light.

20. What was the last movie you watched at home?
The entire Gilmore Girls series, like 4 times.

21. What is in your pocket?
I am not currently wearing pants. hahahahaha.

25. When is your birthday?
December 2nd

26.What are you going to do after this?
Turn on the GG's and go to bed.

27. Who was the last person you went shopping with?
Kate?

29. Do you have the same name as one of your relatives?
No.

30. Do you like pickles?
Oh yes.

31. Is someone in love with you?
It's questionable. If so, it's a secret and long-harbored pining sort of love. Hahahaha.

32. What color is your couch?
Which couch? We have like, 5.

34. Does someone like you right now?
I don't know. Plenty of people want to get in my pants. Hah.

35. Do you know anyone in jail/prison?
No.

36. Who was the last person to send you a text message?
Brittany.

37.How many hours did you sleep for last night?
I think 8.

38. Do you swear at your parents?
When I'm mad.

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I hope someone is. I love when people think about me.

40. What is the last thing you spent money on?
Clothes.

41. Name one thing no one can ever take away from you?
My brains.

42. What is the last thing you ate that had onions in it?
I HATE ONIONS.

43. Crunchy or Puffy Cheetos
Crunchy

44. Have you ever blocked someone from facebook?
No. But I've deleted friends. Blocking seems a little extreme.

45. Who was it?
N/A

46. Do you wear a name tag at work?
No.

47. What color is your iPod?
Black and Silver

48. What is your favorite key chain on your keys??
I don't have key chains. Only keys.

49. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Watching Gilmore Girls

50. If the last person you kissed said that you were the only one they wanted, would you believe them?
The last person I kissed DID say that... and no, I didn't believe him. Turns out, I was right.

51. Do you believe that any of your ex's think about you?
Of course.

52. Would you date someone 8 years older than you?
Probably. It would depend on a lot of other factors. But the age itself would not be a deal-breaker.

53. What were you doing at 1am this morning?
Watching Gilmore Girls. Hahahahaha.

54. Will your next kiss be a mistake?
Who knows?

55. Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize?
Nope.

56. Do you know a secret about a friend and if he/she pisses you off will you tell?
Naww. I told a lot of secrets about my ex though, that I swore I never would. Hahahah. Serves the bastard right.

57. What's with you and the last person you kissed?
Nothing?

58. Have you ever had your heart broken? If so how many times? How did it feel?
Once. It felt GREAT! WTF? There were two times prior to it that I thought I had my heart broken, but they are nothing in comparison so I don't even count them anymore.

59. What time did you wake up this morning?
9:50

60. What's on your bed right now?
Lots of pillows. Blankets. My DVD remote. My cell phone. My laptop. Me.

61. Are you someone who worries too often?
Oh yeah.

62. Do you like to cuddle/snuggle?
Yep.

63. Would it hurt seeing the person you last kissed, kissing someone else?
Umm, not really HURT. But it would irritate me.

64. What color is your hair?
Dark Brown

65. Honestly, if you could go back 1 month and change something would you?
Not one month. No.

66. Is there anybody you wish you could be spending time with right now?
Yep.

67. Have you ever fallen asleep in someones arms?
On several occasions.

68. Are you wasting your time on someone?
Just pining. So yes, but I'm not technically wasting it by dating someone.

69. Are you excited about anything today?
The day is over. I'm excited about Dani's wedding on Saturday, though.

70. On average, what do you think you cry the most about?
HAHAHAHAH. I cry because my life is not as good as it used to be.

71. What does the newest text message in your inbox say?
"Well bc he likes Megan Fox"
I have no idea what it means. hahahaha.

72. Have you ever kissed an ex after breaking up?
Yes.

73. Who are 5 people your last texts are from?
Brittany, Kate, Cole, Mom, Max

74. Do you currently have a hickey?
Hahaha. No.

75. Last person you texted?
Brittany

76. Miss anyone?
Sure.

77. Have you ever skipped class?
Yes.

78. What's the longest you've ever talked on the phone?
Oh god. Hours and Hours.

79. How many people are you texting?
None.

80. Do you have a friend you can tell stuff to and you're sure they won't tell
You're never 100% sure... but yes.

81. Where was the last place you went?
Work. I've been sick the past few days.

82. Let's be honest, have you ever been played by someone?
Not without my knowledge of it. I have mutually used someone.

83. Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a M?
Yep.

84. Who is the last person that called you and what did they say?
Andrea.

85. Do you trust all your friends?
No. There are several that I don't trust as far as I can throw them. But not all friends have to be trustworthy, some are just fun.

86. Do you know anyone that smokes pot?
Hahaha, yes. In fact, I don't know many people that DON'T smoke pot, frustratingly.

87. Are you usually wide awake in the morning?
Not at all.

88. If you could change your eye color what would it be?
I wouldn't. Maybe a brighter blue.

89. Do you dance in the car?
Oh yeah.

90. Do you always answer your phone?
No.

91. Would you like to be in a relationship right now?
Depends on who with.

92. Who's hoodie did you wear last?
My brother's.

93. Do you sleep on your stomach?
Yes.

94. Is love really a beautiful thing?
Sometimes

95. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
I don't know.

96. Are you in a good mood right now?
I guess.

97. Is there a guy/girl that knows everything or mostly everything about you?
Yep.

98. Do you think your last ex will eventually want to be with you again?
I think he probably fluctuates. But he never will 100% because of other weird complications.

99. Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now?
I have no idea.

100. How many people on your top friends have you slept in the same bed with?
Top friends? I don't have myspace.

101. Have you ever liked someone who treated you like crap?
Yep.

102. What are you listening to?
Gilmore Girls. HAHAHAHA. This is getting ridiculous.

103. Is there a difference between the word 'best friend' and 'friend'?
Of course.

104. When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
Umm, frequently? I dunno, the most recent was probably my Grandpa on Sunday. hahaha.

105. Can you touch your toes?
Yep.

106. Do you have any interesting tattoos/piercings?
I have a tattoo and piercing, but i don't know what qualifies as "interesting"

107. What were you doing at midnight last night?
WATCHING GILMORE GIRLS AND YOU ALREADY ASKED.

108. What's your favorite season?
Umm, it fluctuates. I like them all for different reasons. I used to say I liked all but spring, but now I really like spring as well. I like pre-christmas winter the best, I think. Post Christmas winter is the WORST, though.

109. Last thing you ate/drank?
Sunny D. Last thing I ate was a tuna melt at like, 1.

110. How many siblings do you have?
2.5. Plus Andrea.

111. Needles aren't so horrible?
No, they're not. I had to adopt a pro-needle attitude when I learned I'd have to have my blood drawn monthly.


112. What time did you go to bed last night?
1:30-ish.

113. Have you ever made out in a bathroom?
I've done far more than make out in a bathroom. But it wasn't a public bathroom. Actually, now I'm recalling several bathroom hookups. I think I've hooked up in like, 4 or 5 bathrooms. Hahahahaha. Haven't you ever showered with anyone??

114. Do you think the last person you kissed is nice?
Yep.

115. Is there anyone you wish was still in your life?
Several people.

116. Who are your best friends?
Emily, Andrea, Kate, Jeff, Beth, Jackie, Dan, Alan, Cole, Krystin.

117. Is it easier to forgive or forget?
It's not EASY to do either.

118. Would you live with someone without marrying them?
Probably.

119. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
Not everyone. Depends on how bad their first offense was.

120. Believe in love at first sight?
Yes.

121. Would you rather write in pen or pencil?
Pen

122. Peppermint or spearmint?
Spearmint

123. Which shoe do you put on first?
Hmm, whichever I grab first.

124. Do you prefer holding hands or kissing?
Who with?

125. Do you sunburn easily?
Moderately easy.

126. Have you ever bitten someone else’s tongue?
No.... OH, yes. But it was like a purposeful play-bite. Not hard. hahahahahha.

127. Do you know anyone with the same birthday as you?
Britney Spears??

Dear Jeff,
(seemed appropriate since you read my LJ, I think)

I don't really know how to tell you this, but I'm selling myself for candy. I think I realized it when I finally changed my underwear outside of your office and I saw you sit on my salt-beef bucket. I'm sure you're middle-class enough to understand that I get turned on by garbage men. I'm returning the pictures from Vegas to you, but I'll keep your glass eye as a memory. You should also know that I will always remember the pep talks... and thanks for the cocaine.
Please, don't lick my inner thighs anymore.

Nikki








Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don't really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I'm sure you're (6) enough to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to you, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(12)


1) What's the color of your shirt?
Blue - I'm in love with your cat
Red - Our affair is over
White - The rainbow hedgehogs want to destroy you
Black -Our romance is over
Green- Our socks don't match
Grey - You're a leprechaun
Yellow - I'm selling myself for candy
Pink - Your nostrils are insulting
Brown - The mafia wants you
No shirt - I'm joining the Convent
Other -I dislike your eyelashes

2) Which is your birth month?
January - That night you picked your nose
February -When I quoted Forest Gump
March - When your dwarf bit me
April - When I tripped on peanut butter
May - When I threw up in your sock drawer
June - When you put cuffs on me
July – When I saw the purple monkey
August - When you smacked my ass
September - Last year when you peed your pants
October - When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November - When your dog humped my leg
December - When I finally changed my underwear

3) Which food do you prefer?
Tacos - In your apartment
Chicken- In your car
Pasta - Outside of your office
Hamburgers - Under the bus
Salad – As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna - In your closet
Kebab - With Jean Chrétien
Seafood - In a clown suit
Sandwiches - At the Elton John concert
Pizza - At the mental hospital
Hot dog - Under a street light
Annat- With George Bush and Stephen Harper

4) What's the color of your socks?
Yellow - Ignore
Red - Put whipped cream on
Black - Hit on
Blue - Knock out
Purple - Pour syrup on
White - Carve your initials into
Grey - Pull the clothes off
Brown - bit of
Orange - Castrate
Pink - Pull the pants off of
Barefoot - Sit on
Other - Drive over

5) What's the color of your underwear?
Black - My boyfriend
White - My father
Grey – The Catholic Priest
Brown – The Montreal Canadian’s goalie
Purple - My corned beef hash
Red – My knee caps
Blue - My salt-beef bucket
Yellow - My illegitimate child in Ghana
Orange - My Blink 182 cd
Pink – Your "My Little Pony" collection
Other --The elephant in the corner

6) What do you prefer to watch on TV?
One Tree Hill - Senile
Heroes- Frostbitten
Lost - High
Simpsons- Cowardly
The news - Scarred
American Idol - Masochistic
Family Guy - Open
Top Model - Middle-class
Annat -shamed
House- Sterile

7) Your mood right now?
Happy - How awful you are
Sad - How boring you are
Bored - That I get turned on only by garbage men
Angry - That your smell makes me vomit
Depressed – That we’re related
Excited - That I may pee my pants
Nervous - The middle-east is planning their revenge on you
Worried - That your Ford sucks
Apathetic - That you need a sex-change
Silly - That I'm allergic to your earlobes
Cuddly - That Santa doesn't exist
Ashamed - That there is no solution to you being a dumb kid
Other - That your driving sucks

8) What's the color of your walls in your bedroom?
White - Your toe ring
Yellow - Your love letters to me
Red - The pictures from Vegas
Black - Your pet rock
Blue - The couch cushions
Green - Your car
Orange - Your false teeth
Brown - Your nose hair clippers
Grey - Our matching snoopy underwear
Purple - Your old New Kids on the Block blanket
Pink - The cut toenails
Other - Your

9) The first letter of your first name?
A/B - Your virginity
C/D - Your photo with the moustache drawn on it
E/F - Your neighbors dog
G/H - The oil tank from your car
I/J - Your left ear
K/L - The results of that blood-sample
M/N - Your glass eye
O/P - My common sense
Q/R - Your mom
S/T - Your collection of butterflies
U/V - Your criminal record
W/X – Your sucide note
Y/Z - Your credit cards

10) The last letter in your last name?
A/B - Get sick when I think of your feet
C/D - Always will remember the pep talks
E/F -Never will forget that night
G/H – Will not tell the authorites that you stole the whale from the backyard.
I/J – Mocked you behind your back constantly
K/L - Hate your cooking
M/N - Told in my confession today about the moose poaching
O/P - Told my psychiatrist about the bruises
Q/R - Always wanted to break your legs
S/T - Love your sweet, sweet ass
U/V - Will try to forget that you broke my heart
W/X - Haven’t showered in a month
Y/Z – am better off without you

11) What do you prefer to drink?
Wine- Our friendship is ruined
Soft drink – I love Oprah
Milk - The apartment building is on fire
Water – I'm scratching my butt as you read this
Cider– I have a passionate interest for mice
Juice – You ruined my attempts at another world war.
Snapple/Vitamin water – You should get that embarrassing rash checked out
Hot chocolate – Your Cucumber-fetishism is weird
Whiskey - I’m off to lead a new life as a lemon
Beer – Thanks for the Cocaine
Other – you should stop picking your nose

12) To which country would you prefer to go on a vacation?
Thailand – Warm tingly sensations
Australia - Greetings to your frog Leonard
France - Love always
Spain - With tears of sadness
China – You make me sick
Germany – Please don’t hurt me
Japan - Go milk a cow
Greece - Your everlasting enemy
USA - Best of luck on the sex change
Egypt – Kiss my butt
England - Go drown yourself
Italy - Please, don't lick my inner thighs anymore

Today I weigh 118 pounds.

i had tender feelings that you made hard
but it's your heart, not mine, that's scarred
so when i go home i'll be happy to go
you're just somebody that i used to know
you don't need my help anymore
it's all now to you, there ain't no before
now that you're big enough to run your own show
you're just somebody that i used to know
i watched you deal in a dying day
and throw the living past away
so you can be sure that you're in control
you're just somebody that i used to know
i know you don't think you did me wrong
and i can't stay this way for long
keeping ahold of what you just let go
you're just somebody that i used to know

wow.
I am having a personal revelation sitting here. Today has been a somewhat uneventful day, but it all of a sudden hit me like a ton of bricks.
I am not the same person I used to be.
And I don't know how I feel about that.

I am so much more laid back nowadays. I used to be uptight about everything, constantly stressed out. The littlest things would send me over the edge. Now, even huge things don't bug me much. I just shrug things off and figure "well, it happened... so what's the use of being upset about it now?"
After last night and one final meltdown (thanks for that Jeff, by the way) I really just gave up control. Shit is going to happen... but every crappy thing ends and I get through it just fine. And I get through it a lot easier when I don't let it affect me.
So I wrote an appeal letter for my speeding ticket... and if nothing comes of it, so what? But at least I tried.
I used to be so uptight about controlling the people in my life. I stressed about everyone and everything... I constantly wanted to know what people were doing and be somewhat in control of the situation when it came to my groups of friends. Now, I don't care at all. I am not going to waste energy trying to manipulate people or trying to stop them from doing something I don't want. If someone does something, it's because they wanted to do it. And me trying to stop it wouldn't change the fact that they wanted to do it in the first place. My whole life I should have been like this. Just let people do what they want, and if I don't like the way they're behaving, THEN do something about it. But so many times I would stress myself over PREVENTING things I didn't like happening. Like "OH MY GOD YOU CAN'T DRIVE THESE GIRLS HOME, I WILL BE SO PISSED." and then calling every 5 minutes to make sure the girls weren't getting a ride home. Now, I'm positive I'd say "Well, if you like them, then you shouldn't be with me. and if you don't like them, do whatever the hell you want." It's a lot easier on me.
But this laid back attitude comes at a cost.
I smoked last night for the first time in my life.
And I didn't even hesitate to try. I was excited about it. It was a big deal for me. After the ticket and the crying and the stress... I was ready to make a move that the old Nikki never would have even CONSIDERED... even out of the harshest motivation: spite. And I just did it and it was no big deal, and I liked it. And then after I liked it, I got upset. What if everything I stood for and ripped my life apart for was not me at all. I realize that I had to go through some sort of situation to get me to this revelation... but why couldn't I have just been laid back in the first place? I would have been much more enjoyable company.

And after I realized that I've become this new person... I started to question, do I even like this person? I almost became someone that the people from my recent past would have liked... not someone I necessarily like. And I did it inadvertently. I just don't care about anything anymore. Whatever happens happens. and while it's easier not to care... I don't know that it's better. Because I liked being someone who stood for something... and I liked that I cared about things. My stress motivated me. i liked that certain things were important enough to me that I would cry and fight tooth and nail for them. Now I feel like half the reason I am so calm is because I don't have anything to care about anymore. I haven't done a show in a year... so I didn't care about my voice when I smoked. I barely have any friends... so I don't care what the ones who are left do or if they truly like me or not. I already went through losing some of the most important people in my life. If I'm going to lose more... what the hell? I'll get through that too. But I miss having those things to care about.
I feel like so many people- so many people I HATED, mind you- kept telling me that I was wrong to be the way I was. And even though I didn't value their opinions, I somehow took it to heart. And I slowly evolved into one of them. Now I'm someone I would have hated a year ago. It upsets me, because now I'm perfectly fit for the life I once led... but not at all adept for the current one I'm living. Why am I always three steps behind?
I need to get my act together and figure out what I want. But I think I want to be the old me (I will probably remain more laid back about my relationships because that IS easier for all parties involved, but I just mean about things like smoking and drugs, and being a "crowd pleaser"). So many people gave me shit about it... but so many people loved me for it too. Even people who LATER gave me shit about my uptightness or my bullheadedness first loved me because of it. People will just flip a switch and suddenly condemn you for the things they once told you they most admired about you... because they want to hurt you. And it does hurt... and it did hurt me. But I want to be someone who I love, not someone who anyone else loves. And just for that, someone should love me. Because unlike others, many many others, I'm going to stick with who I am and not give in. And that is why I'm happier than they'll ever hope to be.

There is some flamer singing "Into the Woods" in the lobby right now.
I'm trying to study for my business exam in two hours... but I can't stop laughing.
He's singing the part of Jack's Mother and demonstrating the blocking to some other guy. (The school is doing this show right now... I'm upset I didn't audition).
He keeps pausing to think of the words, and I really want to jump in and start singing it with him.
I really think I should.
I'm going to.
Nope. I changed my mind. I don't want to be friends with this character. Because as much as I love me some Sondheim, I'm not going to sing it in a public gathering place and make an ass out of myself. I like to remain a normal member of society.
I had this conversation last night at dinner with Dan, Jackie, Beth and Paul. Most theatre kids are fucking WEIRD. But we're all pretty normal, considering. Hartland had a pretty normal pool of kids in the drama department. Yeah, we had our weirdos, but mostly the more socially "normal" people got the roles and had the talent. That's quite unusual in the scheme of things. I think that's why I freaked at Columbia. I was like, "yeah, i love theatre... but come ON! I also like to get laid. and shower."

I would like to turn this entry into a statement on how thankful I am that I can have a significant amount of talent without being a total eccentric. Sure, I'm a little goofy, but most of that is self inflicted.
Jeff and I big-time stalked this girl from youtube a few nights ago. We concluded that good-looking people who hang out with all ugly people must be HUGE losers in real life. I am starting to cross the line of sounding very superficial, but I think people who won't acknowledge the fact that looks and social status have a LOT to do with your success in the world. ESPECIALLY in theater. But anyways, I'd just like to point out that I have a ton of very good-looking friends... and that is oddly comforting to me. Instead of sitting by the kid twitching and singing broadway musicals in the back row of English class, I sit comfortably wedged between the "bros." I don't like to call negative attention to myself. That's the same reason why I refused to wear my costumes to school in highschool. I LOVE theatre, but I don't define myself by it. And unlike most artsy fartsy kids, I don't need to be eccentric to draw attention to myself. Give me positive, respectful attention, or ignore me. Pay attention to me because I write the best damn paper in class and crack great jokes... not because I'm wearing fucking fairy wings. I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not, I'm playing the game. Unlike Robbie Sierra in high school wearing a tiara, sash, and women's platform shoes and wondering why he got the shit beat out of him... I prefer to fly under the radar.
Now I'm going to start ranting about how most of the weird, eccentrics when it comes to theatre are the people with much less talent. They're the ones who frequent the chorus or the set crew. Basically, they're not into theatre because they're any good at it, they're into it because they found a group of people who will accept them for their weirdo selves. It's frustrating to me, because they give us all a bad name. I shouldn't be afraid to say "I love musical theatre" in a group of people... but I am. Just because I love theatre doesn't mean I prance around my room clad in Wicked and RENT paraphernalia memorizing the choreography to Jellicle Cats. I'm much more likely drinking a beer listening to Billy Joel. However, despite my lack of eating, sleeping and breathing mainstream musical theatre, I still get the lead in every damn show I audition for. Does that say something? You in the Rent T-shirt... how many roles do you get?
It just frustrates me to no end. I try to be an accepting, non-judgmental person... but if you wear your fucking rennessaince festival costume to school, i'm GOING to make fun of you. I just hate obnoxious cries for attention.

In short, I'm not at all embarrassed for being who I am... but I am angry at the people who, with their obnoxious, unnecessary displays of weirdness just to be weird, give people like me a bad name.
So, sir singing ITW in the lobby... fuck you.

fuck. you.

Little known fact.
If I could play any character in any musical, regardless of gender, race, age, etc...
It would be Javert in Les Miserables.

He is my favorite character ever written in anything. I loved him in the book, I love him in the musical, I love him in all the movie adaptations I've ever seen of the story. I don't know why, but I have always felt a tremendous attachment to him.
I have never in my life been able to listen to "Javert's Suicide" without tearing up. Never.

Wine sounds so good right now.
I would like to drink an entire bottle and watch musical movies.
This sounds like an endeavor that needs to happen with my sister before spring break is over.
I love sister for that reason, among others.

I was asleep, but now I am awake and can't fall back to bed.
I think I'm going to steal this from Emily's Facebook. It looks entertaining.

1. Put Your iTunes on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write down the name of the song no matter how silly it sounds!
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name.
5. Tag at least 10 friends.
6. Anyone tagged has to do the same, because fun pointlessness spreads like a virus.


1.If someone says, “Is this okay,” you say?
To be a Captain
Titanic the Musical (it is truly embarrassing that I own this)

2.How would you describe yourself?
Singing Sensation (FUCK YEAH!)
Kat and the Kings

3.What Do You Like in a Boy/Girl?
All That Jazz
Chicago

4.What is Your Life's Purpose?
Scenes From an Italian Restaurant
Billy Joel

5.What is Your Motto?
Bet on It (hahahah)
HSM2

6.What Do Your Friends Think of You?
Singin' in the Rain
Singin' in the Rain

7.What Do You Think of Your Parents?
Baubles, Bangles, and Beads
Kismet

8.What Do You Often Find Yourself Thinking About?
Hysteria (true...)
Light in the Piazza

9.What is 2+2?
Letting Go
Jekyll & Hyde

10.What Do You Think of Your Best Friend?
Gotta Go My Own Way
HSM2

11.What Do You Think of the Person You Like?
Wedding Choral (BAhahaha)
Les Miserables

12.What Is Your Life Story?
Baby Face (is iTunes insinuating I'm a pedophile?)
Jolson the Musical

13.What do you want to be when you grow up?
Have it Your Way
Assassins

14.What do you think of when you see the person you like?
Day by Day
Marguerite

15.What will you dance to at your wedding?
Dirty Little Girl (wrong)
Elton John

16.What will they play at your funeral?
Show me the Key (please, don't)
The Secret Garden

17.What is your hobby/interest?
Writing (hahaha I swear I didn't fake this!)
Elton John

18.What is your biggest fear?
I Read
Passion

19.What is your biggest secret?
Bulletproof Weeks
Matt Nathanson

20.What do you think of your friends?
Funeral for a Friend- Love Lies Bleeding (whaaaaaaaat!?)
Elton John

21.What will you post this as?
Shall I Tell You What I Think of You?
The King and I

Hahaha, wow what's with al lthe Elton John? I guess it doesn't help I have every single one of his albums. They apparently take up a large chunk of my iTunes library.

You know in those moments
When momentous things happen
So slowly I reach...
Like these paintings in the old tradition
There's a figure reaching out in them like so
And to me it is the most familiar tableau
I know

So much wanting something
So much reaching for it
So much wishing just to have one moment back
So much being patient
So much blind acceptance
I know,
No, I don't know

I am convinced my sociology class is not an actual CLASS, but a social experiment.
There is no way this can be real. This teacher is so ridiculously horrible. . . there is no way he is employed right now as a college professor.
Class started 45 minutes ago. . . and we have just begun. But we are not learning new material, we are discussing a 20 minute film we watched two weeks ago and have discussed every class period since. He is currently summarizing it, even though we have taken an exam which had questions on the film, and have discussed it three times prior to this.
Maybe he thinks nobody can understand him because he mumbles and speaks SO QUIETLY that nobody knows what the fuck is going on. Occasionally he will emphasize a random word, it sounds kindof like he has hiccups or something in his breathing pattern. His lectures, to me, sound like "mumble mumble mumble HISTORY mumble mumble mumble ARMED FORCES mumble mumble SOCIETY. . . mumble mumble . . . MINORITY."
Then there are literally 15 minute pauses that he spends pulling up a power point. But the power point has literally nothing on it. the same slide has been up the entire time i've been writing this. it reads:
"other lessons
individual vs. institutional discrimination
irrational, illogical, arbitrary"
The first 6 or 7 classes, we learned absolutely nothing except the professor's experience in the field of sociology and how he decided to be a sociologist. THE FIRST SIX OR SEVEN CLASSES.
In case your wondering, there was a power point on that, too.
Today, there was a 20 minute discussion telling us how to decipher our grade on the exam we just took. He explained how to divide the number of questions we got right by the total number of questions to find the percentage of correct questions. REALLY? Then he took an additional 10 minutes to write out the grading scale. . . even though it is on our syllabus. Before we took the exam, he handed out a three page packet on how to use a scantron, and what types of questions were. Direct Quote from the packet:
"The following question is a multiple choice. One tip for answering this sort of question is to evaluate each answer as true or false. Then you can go back and chose the option you found true."
Well! I don't know how I got through 13 years of school before I was handed this helpful tip.
He also refers to himself as "the instructor" which I find unnerving. For example, he just said "On the next exam, there will be a mix of questions from the textbook, as well as information that has been presented to you by the instructor for class discussion."
Today I finally put two and two together.
This is not real. . . and at the end of the semester I'm expecting a big "PSYCH!" from the University, as they tell us that we've actually been part of a social experiment in which students are put in a class where absolutely nothing goes on so the instructor can observe what goes on and how they react to it all. Because there is no way this man has retained a career as a college professor. I have filled out enough of the mandatory instructor review forms at this school to KNOW that this man would be fired. . . or at least carefully observed.

The only teachers, and consequently classes, I can tolerate this semester are my business class and abnormal psychology. And I LOVE both classes, and both instructors. My other three instructors are bumbling idiots. Well, my english prof isn't an idiot. . . but she irritates me. On our first paper, she gave me ALL positive comments, absolutely no negative feedback (besides the fact that I didn't have an interesting title). She wrote "You show a depth of thinking which I find extremely refreshing, and have written a well organized and interesting paper." I got a B. WHAT?! Where I'm from, when you have nothing negative to say. . . the student gets an A.
Then she asked today if we found her reviews helpful and would be able to apply the criticism to the next paper.
Well, maybe if i GOT criticism. What the fuck.

Emily. . . If you're reading this, I wrote it jsut for you. =] I know how much you like to listen to me rant about school. I would include a heated paragraph about a nearby gum chewer or sniffer, but thankfully there are none in my vicinity.

I woke up today with the extreme sense of satisfaction.
Things I have seen online today only made that feeling grow.

Today is going to be a great day, I can tell.
People, in the long run, actually get what they deserve.

PS;
I love being internet famous.
And Facebook Stalked.

Someday I'll be a full blown celebrity. . . and I will love it.

Tuesday, I will talk to the boy I have a crush on.
I don't care if he is under homo-suspicion. Most guys I date are. . .

I have a considerably low tolerance threshold... and once it is met, I find it really hard to contain myself.

I got into it this morning with my Math professor.
I keep getting marked down on assignments and quizzes for really stupid shit. like I didn't do the problem his way, but i still got the right answer... so he as a teacher MUST assume that I am cheating.
I got marked down three points on a 20 point quiz today and i'd absolutely had it.
The problem was something along the lines of "how much water must be boiled away from 50 oz of a solution that is 2% alcohol to make it 4% alcohol?" or something. Super easy problem so i was pissed when i got it marked wrong. anyways, I did it to where i added a positive amount of x and knew I was going to come up with a negative number in the end. and that was how many oz must be boiled away. But he circled the addition signs on my work and then marked it wrong, even though I had the right answer. I was like "why did you mark me wrong? the answer is right and the work is right." and he said "your answer doesn't match your work" and i said "yes it does! Look, I got -2.5 equals x, so i said 2.5 oz must be boiled away" and he said "but your answer is positive 2.5 and your work says it's -2.5" and i said "but that's because -2.5 would be ADDED to the solution, which is the same as saying positive 2.5 would be taken away." and he goes "but you didnt explain that." and i said "YOU'RE A MATH TEACHER, I FIGURED YOU'D KNOW." and he said "well i can't mark it right if your work doesn't match. if you have the right work and the wrong answer i can give you partial credit, but if you have the wrong work and right answer you get nothing." and i said "OH MY GOD, I JUST EXPLAINED TO YOU THAT IT DOES MATCH! and you're honestly telling me that you are going to give someone points who got the question WRONG when I got it right and just because I did it differently than you would have, you are honestly going to mark me wrong? I can't afford to keep getting C's on tests for stupid stuff like this!" and at this point i was SO pissed off because there is no reason at all why I should have gotten that problem wrong. FINALLY he's like "well if you were going to do it that way, you should have written out an explanation of how you got your answer." and I was like "you want me to write out that adding a negative number is the same as subtracting a positive one? are you kidding?" and he's like "well that's the only way i can assume you weren't cheating." and i'm like "FINE!" and so i wrote a really snotty explanation on the back and handed it back to him and he said "i'll see if this makes sense and I can give you those points."
Like honestly I was ready to fucking LOSE it. I don't think I've been that pissed at a teacher since highschool.

But something about being in a school environment gets me extremely irritable. I don't like my english teacher either. She keeps making us write papers on politics and stuff... which is fine with me because I have extremely strong opinions on it... but they don't match hers, so she automatically doesn't like me.
Today she gave us an article that we are supposed to use for a synthesis paper. It was about a college professor may be fired for teaching students that 9-11 may have been an inside job. The whole point of the article was academic freedom and exploring whether his dismissal would be justified or not- and it wouldn't be. Because the basis of academic freedom is that ANYTHING can be studied in school, the instructor just can't force their beliefs on the students. But my whole point was that if he was teaching a view that was less controversial and he DID force his beliefs on the students, there would be no problem. And frankly, I am also a believer in the 9-11 conspiracy. And it pisses me off that people get so mad about things like that. She claims to be so accepting and stuff, but the second an anti-american word is uttered... the whole fucking population is up in arms. it's bullshit. and i expect it from the ignorant public... but not from a teacher who is having us write a paper on the first fucking amendment! I can say and think anything I want, it doesn't matter if i'm saying "I love Hitler." It's my opinion and I'm entitled to it. And technically, under the blanket of academic freedom... if a teacher was preaching about the holocaust and said "hitler was wrong and you are wrong if you don't think so as well," they are in violation. It doesn't matter how universally accepted a viewpoint is, you can't push it on people.
And don't even start me on her way of forcing us to organize and annotate things exactly how she wants them to be. we have to print out a source and next to each paragraph write like a few words on what it's about. It's like, I can just READ the paragraph if I want to know what it's about. and i will underline or highlight the important stuff. but she's like "you need to do this for yourself... this is the only way to be organized and bla bla bla" and i just want to punch someone. Because you have no idea how I am organized... and frankly this is just a huge waste of my time.
ughsljf;ajsfd;aakdlfja;s

And now, of course, I have to listen to the stupid fucking virgins playing with magic cards in the lobby now. And they take up all of the room and talk so loud about wizards and other bullshit. I know they can do whatever they want, it just irritates me. Like, go get laid.

And honestly, I am not usually this angry of a person. But something about being in school and having people tell me how i need to do things, even though I can go about them my own way and get the same result, really gets me. In highschool they always used the excuse "this is preparing you for college," but what is the excuse now? Like why do i still have to listen to hour lectures on MLA format when I've been doing it for countless years? and if they're STILL teaching it now, what is the point? it should jut be known and expected. This is a level 3 english class... people should have some basic knowledge. and shouldn't a fucking college professor have better things to concern themself with than the way I came about my CORRECT answer to a mindnumblingly easy math problem.... or the way I personally research for papers? It's infuriating.

sigh. I love being a student.

Last night I cried like a baby when Luke broke up with Lorelai.
Literally, my heart was broken.
Good thing they got back together three episodes later.

I just sat down and applied myself to learning my favorite song by ear.
It took less than 5 minutes.
SUCH a simple song. I'm really frustrated I didn't do this sooner.
Nonetheless, I am becoming cooler by the day.

I'm seriously concerned for my well-being.
Today, after slacking in my schoolwork and having a quite hectic week, I decided that I was not leaving the INSANE comfort of my bed or pajamas the entire day. I left three times. Once in the morning to get Cap'n Crunch, once in the evening for a chicken enchilada, and finally a midnight jones for some pizza rolls. But I stayed in my bed. the. entire. day. and watched the entire Gilmore Girls season 4.
I am insanely attached to these characters now. To the point where tomorrow i WILL be going out to buy seasons 5-7 because I may want to spend another day in bed tomorrow. I under-appreciated my life when it did not consist of school or friends or boys. I almost miss the few months I spent in bed this fall. Because I love love love doing nothing. i love computer games and wearing my PJs all day and realizing i've gone an entire 24 hours without saying anything out loud. I love knitting and TV and movies and anything I can do by myself. I don't know how I spent a year and a half with someone at all times (just another thing pointing to me totally not being myself at all and how unhealthy and unnatural that all was). All of my life I've needed a three hour minimum alone time per day. But I seriously take for granted the days when I can spend the entire day by myself.
But my concern for myself is not because I desire to not bathe, not dress, and not do anything on a friday night. It's because I literally do not know what I'll do when I finish the series of Gilmore Girls. I have never ever in my life loved a show like this. And yes, I've seen tons of episodes but something about watching them all in order and in their entirety just really solidifies my love of this story. And I'm the same girl who had a nervous breakdown when JT was killed of Degrassi. I don't know. And the fact that i'm anticipating the series finale when I still have three seasons to go just really worries me.
But I love this show. So. Much. Words cannot describe it. And it's sad that my life is currently revolving around my addiction to a television show.

one step forward.
two steps back.

absence makes the heart grow fonder.
out of sight, out of mind.

No matter what... Elton John will always be my favorite.
SOOOO good.

I have so many crushes on so many boys right now. I don't even know where to begin.
I think I'm going to stay single for a long while, I love it so much.
For some reason I grow increasingly attractive. hmmm. not complaining. keep it coming, please.

I love little baby Jesus now.
And Buddah. They both hold a place in my heart.
I would like someone to buy me a guitar, because as I grow better at piano, I yearn to accompany myself on guitar as well. I'm going to be a singer-songwriter.
and a princess. =]